Before I started working 8 hour shifts 4-6 days in a row, I used to eat like a garbage truck – and that is not an exaggeration. Even when I was young and under 125 lbs, I would eat what I wanted and when I wanted because I have very little discipline when it comes to doing what I want. But as I got older and gained fun medical issues such as having a thyroidectomy and having to start taking psychotropics to manage my mental illness, I became a big girl. And, again, before those 8 hour shifts, my appetite had grown to where I was eating larger portions than I ever had in my life. Before it was small portions many times, soon it became large portions whenever my hunger chose to flare.
My weight in my midsection can be uncomfortable, but weirdly I am not uncomfortable naked. I can look at my body in the mirror and not cringe. The only time I can be self conscious about it is when I am around people who I know do not find it acceptable or attractive. I am also pleased though that my hunger is not ruling me since work has me focused and that when I do go to satisfy it, I don’t clean the plate. Its back to tinier portions and I have actually lost a couple pounds.
I am not going for any kind of transformation. When I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of those paintings of the naked women with the soft bellies. If I transform, I want it to be a natural progression rather than a goal to fit societal standards.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and how I feel in my skin matters more than any other person I know or don’t. No one lives our lives but us. And this is the path to real confidence. After all, why try to fit in when you can stand out?